Spiral of Hatred
So, I feel myself spiraling into a bad pit of hatred and mistrust of other people. This is bad.
1. I'm feeling really left out of things I know I should not feel left out about.
2. No one commented on how cute my clothes looked today. I think they look cute.
3. I feel really isolated.
4. I feel like I've been a bad friend because I haven't talked to anyone except Ben and my parents for like a month and I don't think that people get that I have zero time now that I'm working and commuting.
5. I want a new job because I feel like I'm a bad teacher and can't motivate my students to do anything. While it's easy to say that they are lazy, I still feel like I have a great shortcoming which is stopping them from being sucessful.
6. My birthday is in a week and three days and I still don't know what I want to do to celebrate, or if I want to celebrate at all.
7. I want more time off.
8. I'm hungry.
9. No one is home and I'm lonely.
10. I feel like I have no friends anymore because I don't get to see anyone and the people I do see have other friends and I'm feel all alone and isolated and I want to move but when I move I'll be even further from people I know and it'll just be Ben and me and that'll be nice but it'll also be so isolating because we'll be in Northern Virginia and all the people I know in NVA are like old and have their own friends and I need more nerdy people close by.
Ugh. I think I'm going to go eat some ice cream and watch tv and maybe grade some papers.
posted by Anna @ 4:57 PM
11 Comments:
Well, it is december. My crazy time of year is October, and yours is generally around christmas or a bit before.
So, I say, this isn't anything particularly new nor unexpected.
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I hope I am not making you feel left out of things. Really, all you are missing is me being moody. It is either like happy quasi-sexy but goofy me or like borderline depressed and bitter me... sometimes w/in course of an hour several times a day. Most interesting for others I bet. I'll email you some funny stories that aren't blog appropriate if you wish. :)
Also, you should not feel bad about not motivating your kids. I'd like to see somebody try to motivate me; it was all bad. If someone had tried harder, I probably would've copped out just to spite them. You know I am that spiteful, and it was as bad when I little.
Not to worry though; you should not feel quite so bad b/c I plan to drive home to make sure I can come see you cause I miss you lots and want to. I am currently thinking about showing up Friday, Jan 7 and leaving sunday morningish.
Oh, a reminder, set your VCR to automatically tape the OC so if you have to stay at school to help some dumb unmotivated kid you can still have good TV when you have time.
My mom and my friend both have problems motivating students. Sometimes there's not much that can be done. It's as much the students, as the parents, as the teacher. You can't put it all on yourself. Maybe you could ask them what they'd like to do? I don't know how restrictive the cirriculum is, but maybe there are some activities they've done in the past they they like that you could do.
Also, I'm really sorry we didn't get to hang out on Saturday. That was my own stupid fault. I'll be back during Christmas-y time, though. So maybe we can hang out and make fun of Tim then.
Oh, yeah... that last comment was by me, Will.
Thanks guys. I feel better. After I wrote the post I remembered what time of year it was and hit myself in the forehead. Duh. It's my mental/physical breakdown time of the year! I went to sleep last night at 7:30 (I would have gone to sleep earlier if I didn't want to watch the CSI I last week, but I slept through most of it anyway). With the teaching stuff, it's frusturating because I have so many good ideas but we don't have the time in the curriculm to do them or my kids don't even read this really interesting book that the whole eight grade is reading. They don't want to read, they want to listen to the book on tape. These kids are worse than the kids in Staunton. Well, at least Shelburne really focused on reading. Here, even in Civics they don't read that much. In Civics they do worksheets all the time. The other teachers here also like give them notes instead of making them take notes. You know, this is not preparing them for college and highschool. My kids are going to take freaking notes and they are going to read! Or they are going to fail. Many of them are doing that.
we should all go to Cicis or something. That usually works in motivating us to get up off our collective asses and socializing. Also, it's all you can eat pizza, so how can we lose?
Sounds like you have an unfortunate convergence of post graduation "damn, real life really sucks" depression, Birthday "damn I'm getting old" depression, and holiday "Shouldnt I be all jolly and shit this time of year?" depression. All of which I can safely guess everyone reading this blog either has, or will have in the near future when they get off their lazy asses and graduate already... I know that I feel crappy and inadequate now that I have graduated, and at least you have a job where you can see your impact on society rather than sitting at a desk and wondering what the hell the point of your job is. Of course, thats prolly just a case of the grass being greener on the other side.
Well that comment was prolly not as uplifting and helpful as it was intended to be. but whatever. Oh, and remember, thursday night is always OC-party-night at our house, so if you can afford to be up late, you and Ben should come.
Yeah, I should see the impact of my work on people, but I don't really see that. A lot of my kids are failing. But I do feel better because I just stayed after school and had some nice conversations with some of my kids. Yes, we should go to Cici's at some point in the near future. And no, I can't stay up late on Thursdays. Going to be at nine is a stretch for me. Hopefully I won't have to stay late at school on Thursday and can get some stuff done. I'm going to stay at school until six tonight to try to get stuff done, although I really really want to go home instead, but I know I'm not going to get anything done there.
I, too, hate the period between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It's always filled with crass commercialism and really stupid and tacky decorations. Not to mention the awful carols that everyone's subjected to in stores, restaurants, movie theaters, and from the goddamn radio. So, yeah, I've got that depression thingy that's going around. If you need to reach me, I'll be hiding under my sheets reading comic books until new years.
... on the bright side: http://www.libertymeadows.com/images/ComicFightClub.jpg
--Will
Ben, you make yourself sound like an abusive and controlling boyfriend. And, I thought I wasn't allowed to cook you food because I suck at cooking?
Will, where is Johnny Quest in the cartoon? He should totally be there. I think Race Bannon could have kicked all their asses. Not that I'm biased or anything.
Parker, I miss buying silly things, but I can't anymore. I've been to Target and actually put things back. Like things I even sort of needed. It's bad. It's bad when you can't shop to make yourself happy. And I can't eat anymore either. I'm too stressed to comfort eat. I at a lot of ice cream on Monday night and it made me pretty nauseous. How sad is that? I think I need a new self destructive vice. Maybe drinking?
Hahaha, I have been combining vices currently... compulsively buying food when at the grocery store so I can go to down on it later.
I dunno if I should be proud or disapointed that you aren't culpulsively buying things in Target anymore... who are you and what have you done with Annalee?
Hey hey. I read an article about fairfax schools putting people on alert for whooping cough. I say, make sure you take your echineacha (sp.) cause I won't want my sexy Annalee getting sick from ungrateful kids who won't pay attention to her in class.
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